The Job in Me

I am compelled to get this out on paper as it is swimming around in my head in pieces that don’t fit. I want them to fit. I am a slave to making things fit. I have voices in my head much like Job’s “friends”. I identify with Job’s pride in that I think I know how spirituality should be taught and experienced. Of course sometimes I know that I know nothing too. When I speak very long to my Mother as she tells me how God is angry and quotes from the bible to demonstrate it, I get a voice telling me I have superior knowledge and am therefore superior to her. My other voice tells me that that belief is pride and we are equals in the eyes of God. Another voice tells me to look for punishment for my pride and that it will come to me well deserved. I treat on that thought and start the cycle over again. On and on it goes and I feel like I am on a merry-go-round getting nauseous and hoping to be thrown to safety soon. Having read and studied the story of Job it has rarely left my mind these last two weeks. I go from self aggrandizement to absolute humility all in a matter of minutes.
In the past my false beliefs have brought conditions to me that others in my family experience after I hear about them. My mother was looking at a photo on my mantle and my broadsword that was leaning against the fireplace fell on her foot and broke her toe. My toe hurt for months and I was nowhere near the sword. My father only spoke of amputees and his admiration for them all my life and I became an amputee. Soon I told my family not to express any more maladies to me. As I matured I seemed to have healed that tendency of manifesting conditions I only heard about. I have a voice in my head this week telling me that is not true that I am still maintaining that false belief.
This week I began feeling pain in my breast. I went to the gynocologist and could not bear even the lightest touch on any part of my female anatomy. My thoughts went to the treatment and beliefs of females in Biblical times. A voice in my head told me I was too aggressive and that I needed to learn and demonstrate the suppressed demeanor required of my gender throughout history. More voices, more conflicting thoughts. Now I am facing the upcoming ultrasound appointments for my uterus and my breasts. The fear that Job experienced I am now entertaining. I ask his questions of "what did I do, why me, I love God afterall". One voice tells me I am whole and complete and the other tells me this is the punishment I well deserve for my pride along with my other faults. Another voice tells me my false beliefs have taken over again and they are too powerful for me to overcome. Another voice tells me it is my fear that is my enemy. Another voice tells me that there is only one Power and that all else is a projection of my fear. False Evidence Appearing Real. Another voice tells me I have until the date of the ultrasounds to change my mind and release my false beliefs or all is lost. Once the ultra sound finds conditions I have collapsed only that possibility to the exclusion of all others. Another voice tells me that too is a false belief and one befitting a victim in kingdom one. I feel there is a lesson for me to learn and I am in too remedial a life experience class to learn it this lifetime. Another victim thought.

This is my present experience of Job in my life. It is affecting me deeply. It is not a pleasant experience but certainly has my attention.